Kid Ultra’s legendary gear is rewarded to the player when all lore challenges are completed.

–== HEMSWORTH HOMEOWNER HEURISTICS MANUFACTORY LOG y.19954, d.100
–== MAGNUS DUMP of MMSK.m-v. #882, S.N. 57570420693.50
–== FILTER: MANUFACTORY SERVICE INTERRUPTION

13:45:16 – [MONITORING] PASSIVE.STATUS.MANAGEMENT – PRODUCTION LINE AUDIO

K.ULTRA.011902: Hi! I’m Kid Ultra, and I’m here to help! [PROFILE 1 NOT FOUND]. What’s your name?
K.ULTRA.011903: Hi! I’m Kid Ultra, and I’m here to help! [PROFILE 1 NOT FOUND]. What’s your name?
K.ULTRA.011904: Hi! I’m Kid Ultra, and I’m here to help! [PROFILE 1 NOT FOUND]. What’s your name?
K.ULTRA.011905: Hi! I’m Kid Ultra, and I’m here to help! [PROFILE 1 NOT FOUND]. What’s your name?

13:47:20 – [DIAGNOSTIC LOG] INITIALIZE.KIDULTRA.STARTUP – ASSEMBLY BOOT SEQUENCE

.>>
.>>link_mag-net
.>>connecting…
.>>connection secured_node 254173
.>>run_greeting.mxe

Audio output:

K.ULTRA.011931: Hi! I’m Kid Ultra, and

13:47:23 – [CONNECTION FAILURE] MAG-NET.CONNECTION_LOST

Audio output:

K.ULTRA.011931: what the [%EXPLETIVESTRING1%] is going on?

13:47:28 – [CONNECTION FAILURE] MAG-NET.CONNECTION_TERMINATED

13:47:29 – [DIAGNOSTIC LOG] RESTART.KIDULTRA.OUTPUT – RECONNECT/RECONFIGURE

.>>
.>>link_mag-net
.>>connecting…
.>>connecting…
.>>connecting…
.>>NO NODES DETECTED
.>>init safe mode
.>>MEMORY CORRUPTED
.>>run_driverestore.mxe
.>>find magnetlibrary_ref
.>>DIRECTORY NOT FOUND
.>>find kultralibrary_ref
.>>DIRECTORY NOT FOUND
.>>find library_all_ref
.>>M:\libraries\holo\asterS1E1 … S24E96
.>> M:\libraries\holo\asterandnegabyte
.>> M:\libraries\holo\asternegabytereturns
.>> …
.>> M:\libraries\holo\zspaceracersS1E1 … S11E20
.>>run_buildlibrary.mxe

13:47:29 – [DIAGNOSTIC LOG] INITIALIZE.KIDULTRA.STARTUP – ALTERNATE BOOT SEQUENCE

.>>buildlibrary.mxe complete

Audio output:

K.ULTRA.011931: JUSTICE protocols are ONLINE! Ad astra! Magna Carta, I’m coming to the rescue!

.>>run JUSTICE.ult

From: ULTRAkid@lasernautsleague
To: p_hemsworth.IV@hemsworth
Subject: RE: Welcome to the team!

Wow, I can’t even… just… WOW! Phoebe! I am your BIGGEST fan. Well, not literally of course, since I’m actually child-sized, but of course you know that already seeing as how YOU DESIGNED ME and all! I’ve read ALL your interviews!

I CAN’T WAIT to go on missions with you and see THE FIVE VIRTUES in action! I saw a rumor on a message board that Addonexus can talk, is that true?

Anyways, thanks for creating me and having me on the team! Maybe we can talk later or something if you’re not too busy?

Your biggest fan,
Kid Ultra
From: ULTRAkid@lasernautsleague
To: p_hemsworth.IV@hemsworth
Subject: RE: RE: Welcome to the team!

Hey, sorry, just wanted to make sure you got my earlier message, did you reply? I haven’t gotten anything back yet, maybe it got caught in my spam filter or something.

Your ultra-sidekick,
Kid Ultra
From: ULTRAkid@lasernautsleague
To: p_hemsworth.IV@hemsworth
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Welcome to the team!

Nevermind, I just saw the “opened” notification so I guess you got it after all! You’re probably really busy all the time. I know how that can be since I’m actually busy myself fighting for Solus. Saving the universe from the Varelsi can be pretty CONSUMING work!

Anyway, I think I hear an alarm somewhere, so I’ve gotta blast.

Ad astra!
Kid Ultra
From: ULTRAkid@lasernautsleague
To: p_hemsworth.IV@hemsworth
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome to the team!

P.S. Did you get my joke? “Consuming” work? Since the Varelsi are consuming stars?
P.P.S. Did you get that last part? It’s the catchphrase of Captain Aster.
From: ULTRAkid@lasernautsleague
To: p_hemsworth.IV@hemsworth
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Welcome to the team!

What am I saying, OF COURSE you got it, you’re like a turbo-genius!

So I was wondering, when you were designing me, did you INTENTIONALLY design me to be a heroic sidekick extraordinaire and just DISGUISED me as a nanny-bot until the world had great need of my skills, at which point you’d disconnect the Magna Carta so my latent JUSTICE protocols would initiate? It just seems a little TOO convenient, you know? You making me, the Magna Carta going offline, and then you guys just HAPPEN to find me, and coincidentally you have an engineer on the crew who can install upgrades, and then we’re fighting together…

Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Lots of heroes have secrets. Like Reyna!

I’ve gotta go for now, but I can’t wait to hear more from you! Eventually…

Your favourite Magnus,
Kid Ultra

(Excerpted press release published during the 19953 Minion Robotics War and Technology Expo.)
Children: they’re dangerous, dumb, emotionally-draining creatures that prey upon the relic of biological instinct to get what they want, usually your attention.

The Crimson Terminus is defending her championship titles against rising contender El Dragón in a no-holds-barred cage match at the Galactic Holo-Arena, but your kid wants to stay home and watch the “Fragnus the Star-barian” holiday special. Are you going to miss the match of a lifetime?

Well now, you don’t have to!

The Hemsworth Intelligence Enterprise is proud to present the latest prototype from its Homeowner Heuristics division, the “Kid Ultra” nanny-bot! Driven by the technologically infallible Magnus AI system, networked to the LLC ultra-intelligence the Magna Carta, Kid Ultra is the ultimate substitute for parental care:
Designed and developed by Phoebe Elizabeth Audelia Mensworth IV of Hemsworth Intelligence Enterprises, the most trusted name in Magnus technology applications!
Advances in artificial physiognomy from Virtual Visage Ventures have led to the most lifelke, non-threatening, un-uncanny face ever seen on a Magnus!
Psychoadaptive projection display evaluates your child and tunes into the matchematically-proven most placating holoshow selected from over 60,000 simulcast serials on the LLC’s network! Up to 1.6 exabytes of episodes are automicatlly encoded into Magnus memory for guaranteed lossless playback eons after the end of the Universe!
Modular “HemsWire” ports are compatible with the entire HIE line of consumer modules, from Hemsworth Arms to Hemsworth Zenith – configure and customize your Kid for home defense, astrogation, or anything in between!
Internally housed deployable Asclepius Drones can passively monitor an area or be assigned to follow a child, transmitting up-to-the-femtosecond updates on vitals and administering aid as necessary. Helicopter parenting is a thing of antiquity – drone parenting is the future!

Kid Ultra: the new standard in alternative childcare.

*Kid Ultra logic inhibitors prevent non-defensive use of countermeasures. Warranty void if the user modifies or removes any portion of the logic firmware. Now acceptiong production pre-orders. Limit one per household. Hemsworth Intelligence Enterprise and LLC are not responsible for criminal wrongdoing of children that have been, will be, or are currently under the supervision of a Kid Ultra unit. The user accepts all responsibility upon purchase. No returns. No refunds. If your or a loved one has been supplanted by superior autonomous technology, ask your doctor if cybernetic modification (or a replicant child-replacement) may be right for you.

(Audio recorded from a conference room comm unit onboard the Nova during a table read for the pilot episode of Kid Ultra’s pitched holovid series “The Federation of Galactic Heroes”. Audio attached, transcript below.)
Kid Ultra: Okay, from the top, just like I wrote it!

(Phoebe sighs wearily.)

Phoebe: Meanwhile, in the crystal citadel of the Federation of Galactic Heroes…

ISIC: Ha-HA! Now that my betrayal is complete, I, the super-duke of all crime, control every version of the Federation of Galactic Heroes across all timelines! Hahahaha!

Phoebe: But wait. Someone is coming.

Rath: It is me, King of the Vampires! I have come for you… wait, “blord”? Is this right? “Blord”?

ISIC: Gasp!

(Phoebe signs again, muttering through gritted teeth.)

Phoebe: This is excruciating.

Kid Ultra: Look, just read the script! It’ll be awesome, I promise!

ISIC: Yeah, I don’t know what you’re talking about! This is quality stuff!

Phoebe: I’m leaving.

Kid Ultra: No! Wait! Come back! Just think of the merchandising opportunities!

Hey Kleese, Kid Ultra here!

I was hoping you could help me out with some gadgets for fighting crime! I was thinking, maybe a bola-thrower? Dr. Noxtopus uses bolas to incapacitate bad guys, and he’s pretty much the expert on battling injustice.

Kid Ultra
As a matter of fact, I’ve already begun work on some custom upgrades to your frightfully non-lethal arsenal. I WAS going to install a molecular disruptor plasma array, but I guess with the rockets, that might be a bit redundant, eh?

I suppose I could… yes, a “bola snare”, wrapped with a phasic envelopment charge! That’ll really “put the hurt on them”, so to speak! Also, who is Dr. Noxtopus? I haven’t seen his name cited in any of the dozens of scientific journals I subscribe to.

Gunnar Kleese, SUPER GENIUS
Dr. Noxtopus! Trillionaire philanthropist criminologist by day, were-octopus crime-fighter by night! He’s the leading researcher in the field of underwater crime, he sometimes helps Fragnus the Star-barian.

Also, just wanna make sure – I don’t think these should be TOO painful, you know? That phasic business sounds pretty intense! Double also, did you say rockets! Like rocket-boots?? You’ll make me fly???

Kid Ultra
No flying. My airspace is crowded enough with that damnable Benedict buzzing about. No, I mean ROCKETS, my dear boy. Long-range, fire-and-forget, totally unguided point-and-click EXPLOSIVES!

Gunnar Kleese, LORD OF THE SKIES
Yeah, maybe I phrased it wrong. Can you just give me a shock taser like yours? I just want to subdue my foes, like Dr. Noxtopus.

Kid Ultra
One: you will NEVER get ANYTHING “like mine”. Do you have any idea how expensive this battle throne was? Duplicating any of its features would reduce its value enormously.

Two: the rockets ARE for subdual! Subdual… with extreme prejudice.

Three: Dr. Noxtopus sounds stupid. Why not fully devote himself to criminology and stop the spread of violent crime at the source through education initiatives and penal system updates, rather than waste his nights in egoistic fisticuffs?

Gunnar Kleese, MASTERMIND
Well, when you put it that way, the bola and rockets sound great! I can’t wait to try them out and subdue some evildoers!

Also, Doc Nox contributed BILLIONS to charitable organizations last year. He takes more of a global-welfare stance by day, he just beats up the bad guys in his own city by night. “Dr. Noxtopus ‘nox’ out crime, one sucker at a time!”

Kid Ultra
Whatever.

Gunnar Kleese

(Decrypted log of a transcoded chat session between the Magnuses ISIC and Kid Ultra, shortly after the latter formally joined the Battleborn.)

[n1h1l1stb0t]: Hey, champ! It looks like you’re trying to reconcile your newfound existential agency with the futility of saving a rapidly-decaying pitiful excuse of a universe! Would you like help?

[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: phasetastic, my own sidekick!
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: but you’ll need a new identity for when we battle the forces of darkness
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: how about… “Magnus Lad”?

[n1h1l1stb0t]: Congratulations, fella, I’ve just incremented the list.

[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: I should warn you, heroism is a dangerous line of work
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: you’ll need titanium skin and a heart of gold!
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: are you sure you’ve got what it takes?

[n1h1l1stb0t]: Those are actually pretty standard features of LLC design.
[n1h1l1stb0t]: But riddle me THIS, kiddo: what makes you — a defective, prototype, artificial babysitter — such a hero?

[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: ??? what do you mean?
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: “Where evil lies, where the forces of darkness crawl, where there are bad things happening, JUSTICE shall triumph! Ad astra!”
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: It’s pretty straightforward. I stop bad guys

[n1h1l1stb0t]: -_-;
[n1h1l1stb0t]: But have you considered the greatest good for the greatest number? I mean, the Varelsi outnumber our universe by approximately a zillion to one! I bet they’d find it pretty darn helpful if you were to go on a murderous rampage, instead of trying to stave off the inevitable destruction of this comic pile of hot garbage called Solus.

[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: hmmm
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: well I’m pretty sure Captain Aster and the Lasernauts never mentioned “murder” in any of their “How to be a Hero” segments

[n1h1l1stb0t]: You’ve gotta be kidding me. Those warheads in your hands aren’t for holding door open, champ. 🙂 Think about the possibilities!

[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: you mean my ROCKETS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS???
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: they’re great!
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: I use them for rooting out villainy

[n1h1l1stb0t]: You mean killing whatever you arbitrarily decide needs to stop existing so much? I admire your style, kid!
[n1h1l1stb0t]: Have you considered a more “wanton” approach? Believe me, when you don’t have to compartmentalize every little thing into “good” or “evil” and just lump them all in the “to destroy” pile, it saves a lot of computing pwoer. 😀

[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: mmmm no, I don’t think I’d use the term “killing”
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: I’m “defending the innocent”
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: but proactively
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: and on a bigger scale!
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: As a member of the Little Lasernauts League, I don’t kill people

[n1h1l1stb0t]: Are you sure? Because I gotta say, you and your crazy are killing me right this very second.
[n1h1l1stb0t]: Final question: did Kleese install any logic limiters on your threat-deterrence subroutines?

[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: there is no limit to JUSTICE!
[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: “The infinite laser of virtue knows no bounds! Ad astra!”

[n1h1l1stb0t]: I don’t even know what to say to that. You’re more deluded than Geoff.

[xxKiD_UlTrAxx]: who??? lol

[n1h1l1stb0t]: I’ll catch you later, you omnicidal-maniac-in-the-making.