(Battleplan 40: 2/23/17)
Subject: Application Status
Warmaster Rath, this is an automated message sent as confirmation of receipt of your résumé and application for the position of “security officer” with Hemsworth Deepworks Expeditionary Company #149. We appreciate your interest and will respond at the earliest convenience.
Subject: Re: Application Status
There must be some mistake. I sent no such application. I don’t even have a résumé.
Subject: Re: Re: Application Status
This is an automated response to inform you that yes you did. And yes you do.
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Application Status
Remove me from this mailing list or face annihilation.
This is an automated response to inform you that pursuant to rules set forth in Section 301(a)(iii) of the Hemsworth Intelligence Enterprises (hereafter referred to as “H.I.E.”) End User License Agreement regarding the “regular service” of “Magnus” properties, modification (or failure to reasonably prevent such modification) of Magnus hardware, firmware, software, liveware, wetware, middleware, or anyware will result in immediate forfeiture of personal information gathered by the modified product to aid in any and all mitigative, litigative, or precipitative measures, to be used at the discretion of H.I.E.
Such discretionary use may include, but is not limited to: preventative threat of defamation (“blackmail”), sale of personal information to parties of terminal intent (“assassination”), or requisite consolidation of qualifications and service candidacy (“pressganging”).
For details of how to petition for dissociation of your personal information from LLC archives and discretionary remittance, please contact your nearest LLC barony.
Subject: Re: Threat
//chat client opened
HDEC_careers: Greetings, Lord Rath! I’m Reyhan, I’ve been assigned to oversee your candidacy throughout the application process. I couldn’t find any record of your having been involved with an archaeological expedition before; before we continue, did I miss something, or is that accurate?
v.rath: What is the meaning of this?
HDEC_careers: After you were selected for superior eligibility by our sorting algorithms, I took the liberty of researching and drafting an updated résumé with your relevant work experience and skills. Congratulations!
v.rath: I’d really rather not.
HDEC_careers: The sooner we get through this, the sooner I can file for an release order on your file. Otherwise, you may be subject to any number of penalties, outlined here:
//file uploading: InfoBreachPenalties_Full (2.4GB) …
v.rath: Ugh, just get on with it!
HDEC_careers: I’ve also reached out to some of your previous coworkers…
HDEC_careers: …although admittedly your most recent employers themselves are difficult to reach.
HDEC_careers: I’d like to review some of these items with you. For instance, I see here that you’re proficient with wielding 3 swords simultaneously. Typically, we aim for 4 swords at a minimum, ideally 5. Not a deal-breaker by any means, just letting you know what you’re up against.
v.rath: I’ve slain Varelsi Conservators by the score, and it didn’t take me 5 prancing blades to do it. I’m sure my skill and superior craftsmanship are up to any challenge.
HDEC_careers: Speaking of challenges, can you tell me of a time you faced adversity in the workplace, and how you overcame it?
v.rath: there was this one time the previous Warmaster overthrew the Empress of my homeworld, staged a military coup of the government, and attempted to subjugate the entire universe.
v.rath: So I stabbed him.
v.rath: Then, later, I sent him through an interdimensional portal and was awarded his position and title.
HDEC_careers: Stabbing! Excellent, that’s sure to earn you some points with Lady Hemsworth.
HDEC_careers: And for my own part, I’m not too worried to admit I’m impressed—that kind of initiative and enterprise is exactly what we look for in a candidate.
HDEC_careers: I will caution you against such, ah, aggressive attempts of upward mobility if you work with HDEC; you’ll be brought on strictly in a contractor capacity.
HDEC_careers: Now, on the matter of contracts, one of your coworkers, when asked about your interpersonal skills, said you are, and I quote, “as approachable as a Nyboreal jelly-ray, and half as warm”.
HDEC_careers: Anything you’d like to say on that?”
v.rath: I’ve spent most of the past few millennia working—crafting blades, waging war, defending the Empress, things of that sort. I try not to let my social life intrude on my work. Or intrude on anything, really.
HDEC_careers: Yes, that was a subject I wanted to briefly touch on. I understand that, as a member of her personal guard, it was your personal responsibility to ensure the Empress’ safety.
HDEC_careers: Now, we all make mistakes—we at the LLC are more understanding than many. What’s important is how we learn from them.
HDEC_careers: What lessons would you say you’ve learned from your abject failure, which some might say was in large part responsible for the near-total destruction of the universe?
v.rath: I’ve learned to be careful who I trust. To not be so warm nor let people get so close.
HDEC_careers: I see. Last question for now, Verod.
HDEC_careers: According to one of your coworkers, your personal loyalty to the Jennerit Empire, and to the Empress herself, was absolute.
HDEC_careers: Such loyalty to your employer is beyond reproach, of course, but given the ah, dissolution of your employer’s position, would you be willing to sign a non-compete clause indicating that, in the unlikely event of your previous position becoming available, you would remain in exclusive retainer to the LLC for a minimum of 1 year after the final date of your employment?
v.rath: You want me to say that if I have to choose between serving a dead Empress and protecting what few surviving friends I have, I’ll make the right decision?
HDEC_careers: Yes, that’s right.
v.rath: As you said, my loyalty is absolute.
HDEC_careers: That’s what I wanted to hear! I’m satisfied.
HDEC_careers: I’ll pass your application on for further review, but I must say, this feels good! I can’t promise anything, but I expect you’ll hear back from us soon.
v.rath: Oh, joy.
//chat client closed
Your application for the position of “security officer” within Hemsworth Deepworks Expeditionary Company #149 has been approved. Report to [Phoebe Hemsworth] for additional instructions.
P.S. (p_hemsworth.IV): I doubt you’ll need to leave the ship, but it never hurts to have a spare pair of hands, especially with those phasic steak knives of yours! Ta-ta for now, Lord Rath…